There you have it; you’ve finally met your match! You never expected to be defeated in the bathroom, but here you are stuck on the toilet because you have no idea how to sit on a bidet without potentially flooding the place.
As you’re sitting on the throne, you’ve probably analyzed the many different ways you can approach this conundrum. Maybe you’ve used bidets before, and you were confident coming in that you’d be able to conquer this one as well.
But as you’ve finished your business—which, really, was the more pressing matter—you’ve now realized that you have no idea how you’re going to move your not-so-clean self from the toilet to the bidet. You’ve also probably tried turning it on from the safety of the toilet, just to see what you’re working with.
If you’ve made a little bit of a mess, don’t worry, your tears are not in vain. You can still recover from this. Take a deep breath, and get ready to start over.
Now, if you’ve never in your life used a bidet, first of all, you’re missing out on something that will change your life—if not your bathroom habits!
What are you doing reading this article when you could be experiencing something as close to enlightenment as you can get in this earthly realm? This may be an intimidating start in your journey to using bidets, but what’s important is that you’ve decided to walk on the path of convenience, comfort, and hygiene.
So worry not, those of you who have not achieved bathroom nirvana, we will walk you through everything you need to know to get yourself clean and happy.
First things first, you need to know everything you can about the enemy to defeat it—or to use it in this case.
How to Sit on a Bidet: Know Thine Enemy
Thematic kidding aside, the bidet is only your enemy if you fight it. Once you come to know the true joys of using a bidet, they’ll be your greatest friend.
To start using a bidet properly, you should know what to expect. Many different types of bidets range from the highly advanced with as many functionalities as you could care to have on a toilet, to elementary portable ones you can hide in a bag for emergencies.
Despite the differences in the types of bidets, what you can be sure of is that across the board, they just make the bathroom experience much more comfortable. Armed with this knowledge, you’ll be as clean as a whistle with minimal effort on your part.
What you’re assured they will give you no matter their type is a clean, convenient, and effortless hygiene routine that you won’t regret adopting.
Moreover, more advanced water closet units may have bidets built into their toilet bowls, with an array of different functions, speeds, and even water temperature to choose from. If you’ve been to Japan, you’ve probably seen this type. It’s got buttons on buttons that your head may spin the first time you place your bottom on one.
Apparently, those types of bidets will offer you the best experience, but you don’t have to go high end to enjoy bidets. Not everyone wants all those specialized functions, after all, and not everyone can install such a water closet into their current bathroom set-up.
Other water closet units come with a bidet fixed to the side of the toilet, as an attachment that resembles a smaller shower head. This allows for a lot more control on your part, and it’s very easy to use. It's literally just aim-and-shoot kind of thing, so if you come across this type, you can let out a sigh of relief.
While you can’t adjust the water temperature or functionality like with those built into the toilet, you can usually modify the pressure via a dial or a knob located at the base of the water closet to make sure you aren’t accidentally hitting yourself with a geyser. The last thing you want to gain after this experience is tears and another hole.
Other bidets are very different units, separate entirely from the actual toilet. They’re usually oval basins where you sit on top of to begin the cleansing. This last one may be a bit more work than the other two types, so we’re assuming this is your current enemy. Then again worry not for there is a straightforward way to conquer this with just a few tears as possible.
Cleanliness in the Palm of Your Hands: A Shimmy and Spritz Away
First things first, you’re going to have to brace yourself to leave the comfort of the throne. We’re assuming, of course, that you started on the toilet because if you did your business in the bidet, you’re in for some unfortunate news old friend.
You have a choice here, to either use some toilet paper and make your way to the bidet or to go to the bidet directly. Either way, sort yourself out and get ready to move.
Don’t be too intimidated by this oval basin, if you're going to ace how to sit on a bidet, just go ahead and straddle it.
Now, depending on your height and body type, you’re going to want to either sit on it completely or perhaps straddle it to get the best aim.
You also have a choice of either facing the controls so with your front to the wall or sitting on it as you would an actual toilet. The latter obviously allows you easier control of the water jets, but if you have trousers on you’ll have to remove them.
Now each bidet is different, so you’ll want to adjust as you go along with the controls available to you. Adjust anything you deem necessary, and go along with your business.
Some have temperature controls which you may want to adjust first, so you aren’t hit with a stream of boiling water. Some bidets will need you to keep a continuous hold on the controls, so there’s no way of telling you how to do one for certain. You’ll just have to experiment and move as necessary.
Sitting on the bidet, the most challenging thing you may find to do is aiming it right. Just adjust yourself as necessary.
If you had time to examine it before, you could try placing your hand over the spray and adjusting the controls, so you get a feel for what you need to do come actual performance time.
Finally, don’t forget to dry off!